I Think Too Much
by Rose Stetson
Summary: Sam's POV post Heroes
1. Introduction

I Think Too Much

Season 7 "Heroes"

I can't believe that Dr. MacKenzie actually wants me to keep a journal!

"To release all of the pent-up anger and helplessness of the situation." He tells me.

Right…I totally have issues with my best friend dying, taking unofficial custody of her daughter (who almost got blown up herself the first time we met her, and then had an encounter with Nirrti), while dealing with a camera crew that wants my life and everyone else's on this base to be exposed, AND my commanding officer, with whom I already have unresolved issues, almost dies.

No, I don't have any issues to be resolved…okay, maybe I do. But I can't help it…I just think too much!

Oh, and did I mention that every guy that I've dated recently has met with some…accident…recently? I certainly don't have issues with that. I can't believe General Hammond would actually put me through this!

Okay, just take a few deep breaths, and the world- no, the universe- will look much better, right?

Wrong. Janet's still dead, and Jack-the Colonel- is still injured, and all my boyfriends (for lack of a better term, mind you) are still dead or about to be killed.

Well, here it goes…


	2. Entry Number 1

_February 21, 2004_

My assignment is to write a minimum of one page about my relationship with Janet Fraiser. Like I said at her memorial service, words can't even begin to describe her, so I'm not going to try.

Why is it that every time I think about her I start crying? I don't cry…ever. But I guess things change when death is involved. I know Daniel is beating himself up about it, and I'm really sorry that he is…I just, I don't know if I can be the one who reaches out to him. Maybe Teal'c will do that for him…I just don't think I'm strong enough.

Besides, I have to deal with Cassie. No kid should have to lose two mothers in one lifetime. I sometimes wonder if I should have adopted her…now, where the hell did that come from? I guess, I just wonder if I made the right decision.

I'm sure you're enjoying my psychoanalysis…it sure has a lot of twists, doesn't it, Doctor?

Anyway, back to the present, Cassie is going back to college in another week. I honestly wouldn't blame her if she withdrew this semester and went back after a nice, long sabbatical, but she insists that normalcy is the best thing for her, and that the only way she's going to get back to a routine is if she goes back to school.

Colonel O'Neill agreed with her.

I guess I just don't know what to do with myself without someone to take care of. I mean, I can't keep breaking down like I did with the Colonel and then Teal'c…

Now, there's a topic that I'm not even going to begin to discuss in therapy…don't you dare tell anyone. I'll claim doctor-patient confidentiality!

Colonel O'Neill…as if I didn't have enough to worry about…now, I decide that I'm in love with…am a very good friend of my commanding officer. Man, I'm really messed up when it comes to relationships…Jonas Hansen, a certifiable nut case who nearly killed my…commanding officer, Narim- kind of freaky with that 'I love you' gadget he rigged up, Martouf and Lantesh- now that wasn't my fault! He was in love with Jolinar and then, she transferred her feelings for him to me…and the rest is history, then Pete.

Okay, he deserves a page of his own. Is it really that pathetic that I'm seriously dating a guy that my brother set me up with? I mean, who really tells everyone they meet that they were set up by her brother and his best friend?

Well, I already mentioned the Colonel, and now, I'm at a total loss of what to write next…

I really hope Dr. MacKenzie doesn't read this…it could be awkward and very, very compromising.


	3. Flashbacks

_This is a little out of order...sorry...this is how she gets roped into Dr. MacKenzie sessions...

* * *

_

I walked toward a table in the commissary, thinking about last night. It was my first attempt at communication with Cassie about the accident.

I sighed. Today was a blue jell-o day. As I sat down, the Colonel approached me. "Carter, how are you doing today?"

"I'm fine, I guess."

"You sure?"

"Yeah." I sat still thinking about my conversation with Cassie last night.

"_The pain never goes away, does it?"_

"_No…it just gets duller." I replied._

"_I just wish that I could have said 'good-bye.'"_

_Me too. I added silently. Of all the people I work with…she was the last person I would have ever thought…_

"Carter?"

"Yes, sir?"

Suddenly, as I saw his face, my mind returned to that planet. _I was just doing my job…all of a sudden, the Colonel lunges to return fire, but instead gets hit himself. "SIR!" I yelled._

"CARTER!"

I took a deep breath, and looked back into the face of my commanding officer. Tears started to fall onto my cheeks. "I'm sorry, sir. It was so real."

He smiled, comfortingly. "I know."

We sat in silence for a while. I don't really know how long we just sat there. It was as if time was suspended so that we could silently heal the wounds of our hearts by just sitting in the same company.

"Carter, I think you should see Dr. MacKenzie."

I looked up at him, my mind not fully comprehending his implication. "Why?"

"Because you're having some pretty awful flashbacks. Now, I wouldn't normally do that to you, but…"

I smiled. "I know."

"So, you'll report to his office tomorrow at 1300 hours?"

I nodded. "It can't hurt, right?"

He touched my arm as he got up, still wincing in pain from his own wounds. "Take it easy, okay?"

I smiled. "Thank you, sir."

He stopped. "For what?"

"Nothing."

A smile played on his lips. "Think _nothing_ of it…"

A faint memory returned, a sweet memory. _"…I've got plenty of that."_


	4. Visit Number 2

_Thanks for your concern for Sam and her journal, but as you'll see, it's not exactly necessary…_

**2nd Visit with Dr. MacKenzie:**

"Major Carter, thank you for coming to see me again."

"Dr. MacKenzie," I replied as I shook his hand.

"Please, have a seat."

"Thank you." I did so, and I had a strong urge to just run.

"Did you write the entry?"

I knew he was going to ask me if I wrote in my journal.

"Yes, I did."

"And did that bring up any questions that you would like us to discuss?"

I don't really want to be discussing anything… "Well, yes. Why is it that whenever I think about what happened to…Dr. Fraiser, that it's accompanied by the visual of what happened with to the Colonel?"

"Your mind may be transferring the image from one traumatic event that you witnessed to the other traumatic event that occurred at the same time, but that you did not witness. In fact, I believe that to make headway with your feelings about Dr. Fraiser and her death, you must explore your feelings about what happened to the Colonel."

Uh-oh…I can't really tell him what I was thinking when I saw the Colonel get hit…lying there…It's happening all over again.

"Sir!" 

Jack, you can't die on me! Not yet! I haven't even told you how I really feel…

"Major?"

I shook my head. "I'm sorry, Doctor. What was your question?"

"Have you been able to sleep lately?" He asked, studying me.

"No. Not really…but I'll be fine." I confessed.

"I'd like to prescribe a sedative for you. However, before I do that, have you been having any nightmares that keep you awake?"

"I just can't get that image out of my mind…" I whispered.

"What image?"

"Colonel O'Neill falling. He's dead…he's got to be dead." I looked back up at him. "The worst thing is that I know he isn't, but I…I just can't believe it when I'm watching it play over and over again in my mind."

He was quiet as he contemplated my answers. "I'll get you a prescription, and then, I'd like you to come in every week. Try to fill up that journal with your thoughts- preferably one entry every day- whenever and wherever you feel like writing it. I assure you, I won't look at it…unless I feel like you're holding anything back."

Blackmail…

"Until you have something more in that journal, my hands are tied. But if you need to talk before our next appointment, my door is open."

"Thank you." I replied, trying to stay professional. I don't need to be in counseling, I thought. I just need a few more days to work out my grief.

Then, the Colonel's face flashed in my mind. He wouldn't ask me to do this if he didn't think it was absolutely necessary.

"I'll be here next week same time?" I asked.

"I'll be here." He handed me the prescription. "Take that down to the infirmary, and they'll get you set up."

"Thanks." I said, as I hurry to my quarters. I just need to have a good cry…and I can't be a good little soldier with mascara running down my cheeks.


	5. Entry Number 2

_February 25, 2004_

So, the key to my "cure" is how I feel about Colonel O'Neill…

Great…if this isn't grounds for court martial, I don't know what is. Not that we have…I have ever acted on these feelings before.

Okay, I should probably not say that, but I was under an alien influence at the time. The Virus of the Touched.

_"I want you…Don't you want me?"_

That sends shivers up my spine every time I just happen to remember it. Actually, I've had a recurring dream/nightmare ever since that…incident. I've dreamed that when I attacked Colonel O'Neill, he stabbed me. Then, he proceeded to explore my mouth with his tongue…

This isn't doing anyone any good except rehashing old wounds.

Come on, Carter…buck up. It's just a journal!

It's more of a journal than I've ever kept up before, with more secrets and desires than I've ever experienced before.

AGH!

After I got out of my last session with Dr. MacKenzie, I went to my barracks to cry. He found me there. I don't know how, but he knew I needed him. That's why I love him. Because even before I realize that I need him, he's there.

It's two o' clock in the morning. I should be asleep, and I could be- if I took those sedatives. The only problem is that I don't want to sleep. I'm all by myself, and I know that sounds stupid coming from an Air Force Major with level three hand-to-hand combat experience, but if I'm drugged, who'll stop them?

The 'them' that I'm referring to are the NID operatives who would love- no, they'd kill- to have me as a test subject. I'm no idiot. I know that ever since Jolinar, the NID have been trying to get a hold of me- to experiment on me.

I just wish…

I'll leave that sentence unfinished in here, for fear that this journal will someday be used against me in a court martial…but I'll leave that sentence imprinted on my heart. The whole sentence.


	6. Solutions

The telephone rang, and I kicked myself for being so stupid…it was two o'clock in the morning, I'd just written a journal entry, and I was calling my commanding officer because I was scared to go to sleep in my own HOUSE!

"O'Neill…" He answered groggily.

"Hi, Sir. It's…me, Carter."

"Uh…hi."

"I'm sorry, sir…I just…I couldn't sleep." I managed.

"Happen a lot?"

"Not…well, pretty much anytime I'm on-leave." I answered honestly.

"That's too bad…is there anything particular you needed?" He asked.

"Well…no, I just, uh…sorry, this is stupid. I'm gonna hang up and then…"

"Carter, you wouldn't call me if there wasn't something important bothering you." He replied. "You want me to come over?"

I just sat there. Of course I wanted him to come over, but…we weren't allowed.

I sound like a teenager whose father won't allow any men in the house. I thought. Probably because that was the kind of father I had when I was in high school, I mused.

"I don't want to be a burden, sir."

He chuckled. "Carter, you called me at two o'clock in the morning. Damage has already been done. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

"Thank you, sir."

He mumbled something and hung up.

Tears came to my eyes. Something that happened frequently since Janet…

He was my commanding officer, and I was getting weepy because he was coming over in the middle of the night at my beck and call. At least now, I'd get some sleep.

Sure enough, fifteen minutes later, he was there.

"Carter…so, you can't sleep. Didn't MacKenzie give you sleeping pills or something?"

I nodded. "But, I'm…well, I don't want to find myself in an unsavory situation because…"

"You're scared to take them when you're alone." He supplemented.

I nodded. "It's stupid, isn't it?"

"Nah…I should have thought of it. Look, tonight, I'll be here. I sleep lighter than…well, I sleep really lightly, and so if anything happens, and I doubt it will, I'll be here. Tomorrow night we'll get Teal'c to stay, and Danny if he wants, but he won't be much use." The twinkle in his eye came back.

"Thank you, sir." I said after I chuckled.

"No problem, Carter."

"There's a guest room."

"I'll just take the couch."

I nodded. I knew what might happen if we got too close…

I craved that, but…I wouldn't jeopardize his career for my desire.

"'Night, sir."

"'Night, Carter."


	7. Final Thoughts

_March 6, 2004_

All right, so…I'm officially out of medication. And honestly, I don't want anymore. You know, the guys have been great through this whole thing…I just, I guess I just wish that things were…different.

I've thought a lot of about alternate realities recently. You know, if in some other reality Janet didn't die…

I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm numb…I don't feel anything anymore. Not sadness, not anger, nothing.

The flashbacks have subsided. And for that, I'll be eternally grateful, but I was talking to Daniel and something he said made me re-evaluate my thoughts about my relationship with…Jack.

He said he had regrets. With Sha're, he had regrets for not leaving the Gate buried. With Sarah, he wasn't sure what to think. But with Janet…

He started tearing up when he said her name. Then, he showed me the ring he had planned to give her when they got back from that mission. I'm crying just thinking about it. If I thought that Jack and I had bad luck…it's not half as bad as Daniel's.

Instead of asking her to marry him, Daniel buried her.

So, now I'm wondering what would have happened if she hadn't died. If by some miracle, someone had seen the Jaffa who shot at her. Would there be a wedding to be planned? Would Jack have…died?

I can't even think about that. It's still too fresh.

Maybe this is some…sign, for lack of a better term. I mean, maybe Jack and I are supposed to have a 'reality check.' I can't believe we left those feelings in that damn room! I mean, please…so many things have happened in that room- the za'tarc testing, I almost died in that room, Daniel did die in that room, all kinds of things…

I'll never be able to thank Janet for not putting me under that day. For not saying anything to General Hammond about…what Jack and I said that day. But she never gave up hoping. She was the one who helped me keep realizing that Jack loved me.

There…it's out. I love Jack O'Neill and he loves me. But now, I have to figure out what to do about it. Do I resign from the Air Force? Would it really change anything? Do I leave it up to him? No, if I leave it up to him, nothing will happen because he'll never ask me to leave, and the Pentagon won't let him leave.

Every now and then, there are images that flash into my mind- 'What-could-have-beens.' I'm a civilian scientist working in the labs…he's the gorgeous guy that I come home to…and Grace- well, she's playing outside.

Could I really give up going off-world? Even for Jack? Especially for Jack? Could he handle me giving up going off-world?

**JANET! WHERE ARE YOU? **

**DAMN YOU, JANET! **

**I need you now, and you're not here to help me figure things out! And you're the one who brought this stuff to the surface**!

I know this sounds bad, but that helped. It really helped.

Well, the guys are here. We're going to celebrate the fact that MacKenzie has begrudgingly sent me back to active duty. And we're going to save the world again tomorrow…and the day after that…and the day after that…

And we'll have to roll with the punches, 'cuz when you're in the field, you never know what's going to happen. I guess that's what makes our friendships- no, relationships- so special.


End file.
